Drivepast Rants

Greed On The March

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 08:47:35 +0000

This is really an update to my previous entry. I have just spoken with the Duc de Ledbury, Ducky to his friends, who informs me that the Goodwood Revival pitch prices are up between 20% and 25% on last year. At a time when most other companies with whom we deal are holding or even lowering prices, it's such a delight to see Goodwood standing firm in the obsessive greed for which they are becoming rightly known. Eat the Rich !

Beaulieu Bummer...........

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 07:57:03 +0000

........and that's not a cheap shot at the present incumbent of the Estate. It is with great regret that I'm opting out of both Spring and Summer Beaulieu this year. The difficulty is condensation. The grass in Green Field (my favoured location) is left long, the tentage is very plasticky, the result is internal precipitation that does, sometimes permanent, damage to my beautiful posters. Can't be doing with that. It's all a great shame because I shall miss not seeing Shirley and her brood, who run the best B&B in the world, at Hordle. On the up side, it looks very much as if I shall be at Essen's Techno Classica in April, assuming that there's enough money in the pot to cover expenses; and once again, I shall be having rather more than a token presence at the Goodwood Revival, on the stand of David Thomas Books. Dolores will of course be joining me, and I trust you will as well, even if it's just for a snifter of our very much better than average plonk. Onwards !

Tip Toe in Big Boots

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 18:10:04 +0000

Well, still here, then. It's been a few months since I realised with god-like prescience that things were likely to get worse before they got better. I didn't realise I'd drag most of the world down with me, and I thank you all for your empathy and support. I suspect that the only things that have kept me going are Franco, gin, Terry and Sue and the world's motoring media. In the past few months, we've had a couple of nice pieces in 'Octane', 'The Independent' has done a double page spread, 'Model Collector' tried hard, but managed to give the phone number of the local hermit, who was NOT BLOODY AMUSED. 'Autobild Klassik' in Germany is carrying 4 pages this month, 'Practical Classics' and 'Auto Italia' are both coming to the party next month, and there should be some nice pix around after RaceRetro and Techno Classica Essen at the front end of next year. Apart from the media, my good friend Franco continues on his quest to have the second biggest collection of Movie/Motor paper in the Western World, and Terry and Sue of Quadbod provide an unwavering ear (four of them, actually) to my mostly drunken and lecherous ramblings. So Lord Drivepast continues to tip-toe through the nether regions of success, pausing only occasionally to wipe the more obvious results of exploring nether regions off his boots, and to try and persuade some unlucky fellow traveller to buy him another gin. Should you find me stumbling along, it'll be a large Bombay, with just a sniff of tonic. I thank you.

Apocalypse Now-ish.

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 18:24:05 +0100

So here it is, Friday evening, beginning of Summer, lovely day, and what am I doing ? I'm sitting at this bloody machine, whinging at you, and wondering whether we'll still have a website in a couple of month's time, when what I should be doing is crushing peaches (no, not you Miss Geldof) between my ample buttocks, hoicking the cork out a bottle of Prosecco, and swigging Bellinis on the verandah. Last month Drivepast.com received 860,000 hits. 20,000 pages were visited on a more than cursory basis. What I've developed here is a bloody successful gallery, but, bar a few, no-one's buying stuff. I suppose one answer is to put an electronic turnstile on the front of the site, and you pay �2, $2, 2Euro or whatever to get in.....a one-off payment, which is refunded when you make a purchase. Or even entitles you to �5, $5, 5Euro or whatever, off your first purchase, basically making it a 'no-lose' situation for the visitor/potential buyer. What do you think ? Is there a better idea ? I can carry this for another few months, after which the knocking on the door every few days won't be happy wine merchants, but snarling bailiffs. Give me some input here, people. Is Drivepast.com worth hanging on to, or have we, as Mel Brooks so succinctly put it in "Blazing Saddles", just been jerking off ?

Show Biz

Sat, 02 Feb 2008 00:39:09 +0000

The prices for taking a pitch at the Goodwood Revival and the Le Mans Classic have been published recently, and it's such a pleasure to see that they are unaffected by recession, exchange rate or reality. Both are outstanding events; fabulous cars, terrific racing, but the organisers seem to think that we small businessmen are as wealthy as they are. If we were, we wouldn't need to be sitting in a glorified tent for several days, trying to make a living, yet taking less, year on year. To do the Le Mans Classic this year, on a pitch that's too small, in the best position I can buy, will cost, with allied expenses, at least �2000. That's $4000US, or a shade under 3000 Euro. A decent sized pitch will add 25%-30% to that. Both the Revival and the Classic have taken a big jump on previous prices, which doesn't surprise me with the Revival, but the Le Mans organisers have always seemed to be the good guys. They are a great disappointment at a time when for many of us, trade has never been more difficult. Hell, I can't even get angry about it any more. It seems the greed is inevitable, and the organisers' attitude is "stump up or sod off". It looks as if one will be sodding off.

SHLONG : It's Been Good To Know You

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 14:25:30 +0000

This isn't a rant.....yet. It's more in the nature of a memo to myself so that I'll remember to write the above at a later date. What I have in mind is an hilariously depressing look at a chap's middle age; the disappearing Adonis; the cataract of confidence; the muddling of memory, that sort of thing. The piece when it happens should probably be subtitled "Natural Born Swillers", being a direct cause, or result,of the main theme. I'll get back to you, and me, on this.

Review Review

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 16:25:28 +0100

Well, my book - "MOTOR MOVIES - The Posters!" seems to be shifting reasonably well, and the reviews have been moderately kindly. So far we've had Octane, Classic Cars, Classic&Sports Cars, Autocar, Top Gear, Road & Track, and various others. In the first half of the intro to the book, I made it reasonably clear that this was, as the title subtley suggested, a book about the posters. The posters. "Motor Movies - The Posters !" This "it does what it says on the tin" approach was fine with the movie people who like posters, the graphic arts people who like posters, the Italians, the French and the Belgians who love posters and, in fact everyone except some of the autohacks who wanted all the movie info. as well. I have in front of me vast tomes from Time Out, Halliwell, The Radio Times, Maltin and various others which provide reviews of movies, updated every year. These are vastly available in all bookshops. On the internet there is IMdB, IMCdB, Encyclo-cine, and New York Times Movies, to name just a few, who can provide synopses and critiques of the movies. Should I have put it all in the book ? Had I put in a synopsis for each movie, the next question would undoubtedly have been "Yeah, but what was it like ?" Do you want to pay �70 for a 500 page monstrosity, 250 pages of which are self opinionated bullshit, or �35 for a 250 page album of some of the finest motoring poster art of the past 100 years ? Despite some blinkered verbiage, even the harsher critics have been kind: The book has been called "strangely compelling", a phrase I'm considering adopting as my family motto. I have been called a "jovial Kiwi". Given that jovial usually means fat, or pissed, or both, I can hardly disagree. And finally, the least kind review was so thorough that the reviewer not only ignored the title, and failed to read the intro., he also managed to get my name wrong; naming me as Peter rather than Paul,and ignoring the fact that there's a 'Lord' before 'Drivepast'. Tsk,Tsk.

Felix The Fat.

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 14:42:47 +0100

Difficult to believe that it's five months since I was sufficiently ecstatic or pissed off to put finger to keyboard. Even now, I'm not particularly steamed against anyone other than Estate Agents (beware the one they call Witchell at SmithsGore), the Inland Revenue (where's my cheque ?), and of course, the Publishing Trade in all its nefarious forms. After listening to Felix Dennis on the steam radio, I can only surmise that the reason Publishers don't fall into the same category of public loathing as Estate Agents, Journalists and Lawyers, is that the public doesn't have the same degree of contact with these demons. And thank God the BBC is a non-commercial organisation, otherwise they might have had to charge for the half-hour of free advertising granted Mr. Dennis's latest opus, called something like "How to be Seriously Fucking Rich and Not Even Remotely Bloody Happy". Arse. However, let us now praise Famous Men. And Dames. Fergus Campbell, whom I still haven't bought a beer after his sterling work getting my new book onto the right reviewers' desks. Viv at Cassons, near Goodwood, for the best seared scallops in the world. Jeremy at Winchcombe Wine Merchants for a constant supply of the unusual, the well aged, and the highly alcoholic, at v. reasonable prices. Brigitte in Paris who preserves and linen backs my most serious posters: for getting "Some Like it Hot" ready for next week. Finally: Drivepast has ceased to do shows, pretty much, certainly until well into next year. Costs up; income down, is a killer. And if I wanted an early and miserable death, I'd follow Felix Dennis's advice. ChinChin.

Plagued By Gout

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 11:56:59 +0100

That a life as clean and pure as my own should be so painfully interupted by the scourge of gout, would seem to be further proof that God works in mischievous ways. Having been rendered immobile for the past few days, it seemed only sensible to get on line and discover the causes and cures of my misery. A build-up of uric acid in crystalline form, typically at the bottom joint of the big toe is the symptom all "experts" and well-meaning amateurs seem to agree on. From that point no-one agrees on anything. Yes. it's caused by booze. My quack - a most reasonable woman - says that none of the cases of gout she has treated has been booze related. According to her, diet is everything. And that's where things start to get frustrating, and continue into the absurd. According to Googled sources: Coffee ? Work of the devil. Coffee ? No problem. Red wine ? Satan's Semen. Red wine ? Fine, provided you stop before the fifth magnum. Vegetables ? All fine. Vegetables ? Eat cauliflower, asparagus, mushrooms, courgettes, and your leg will fall off. Dairy products ? Too rich ! Too rich !! Dairy products ? Mountain Gorgonzola smothered in whipped cream ? Perfect ! Fruit ? Eat more, but no lemons, grapefruit, oranges or tomatoes. Fruit ? Get plenty of that life enhancing lemon and grapefruit juice down you, preferably followed by a kilo of sun-dried tomatoes. So your favoured purveyor of the rare and the beautiful is currently on a diet of drugs and water. The one thing everyone agrees on is the beneficial nature of cherries. And what's out of season at the moment ? Damn right.

The Good Book

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 10:27:19 +0000

Next summer, or what passes for a summer in this neck of the woods, Veloce Publishing will be releasing my book "MOTOR MOVIES - The Posters" to a world almost orgasmic in its anticipation. The book will attempt to parallel the development of Cinema and the Automobile, through the medium of the Movie Poster. The book will be beautifully produced, about 250 pages, and chock full of superb photographs of some of the world's great movie posters. Matt Simpson, Webmeister and friend, will be taking the pix; Drivepast will be mostly supplying the posters, and I will be providing the words, of which there will be very few, although, naturally, every one will be a gem. For more info, and progress updates, see www.veloce.co.uk . OCTANE, (the magazine for the exceedingly tasteful and filthy rich) is carrying a huge article in their next issue, on the streets at the end of November, on the more obscure end of 'the car in the movies'. OCTANE'S Mark Dixon was at Drivepast Towers a couple of weeks ago, doing the photoshoot. Drivepast will also be in the much vaunted SILVERSTONE magazine's next issue, as well as America's VINTAGE RACECAR. Onwards and upwards ! Maybe.

Report From The Front

Wed, 11 Oct 2006 08:52:43 +0100

Whilst flicking through some recent auction results, I noted that, at the Goodwood Revival Bonham's Automobilia & Aviation auction, a couple of Le Mans posters sold. We're talking the movie, not the event. One, an Italian photobusta, which I sold recently for a little more than �100, was knocked down at �280. Plus buyer's premium. Plus VAT. The other, an Italian locandina i.e. about 28 inches x 12 inches, which I sold recently for a bit over �100, sold at Bonham's for �400, again, plus premium and VAT. That means a total of about �500. What a shame the two buyers (or maybe one buyer) hadn't checked their current copy of Octane, Motorsport, Classic and Sports Car, Vintage Racecar, or even the Citroen Car Club magazine, all of which have either ads or articles about Drivepast. As is obvious, we're here to save you money ! Drop in and see me at the Alfa Romeo Club stand at the NEC, at the end of October.

Beware The One They Call VARDIS

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 09:38:25 +0100

This bunch of shysters and snake-oil salesmen phone you, using the ruse of selling advertising from which all income goes to charity. They get your name from your previous advertising. This is a particularly sleazy and persistant bunch. It is not necessary for me to say more, because there is a noble website that has their measure: go to www.blagger.com and put 'vardis' in their search engine. (To express your gratitude for this selfless public announcement, as offered by Lord Drivepast,a cheque made out to my favourite charity "Let's Get Pissed on Expensive Wine", would be appreciated.)

Short Shirt Shock

Thu, 13 Jul 2006 15:14:54 +0100

A chap needs a couple of new shirts for the Le Mans Classic, so goes to a bespoke shirt shop, which, gladsomely, is having a sale. Buys shirts; a fetching blue check, and a fractionally gay pink, as you ask. Both have rather splendid double cuffs, but horror ! Both are as tailless as a freshly dagged sheep, and to compound this act of fabricly meanness, no breast pocket ! These stupidities are on a par with the drinking of lager from bottles (having stuffed a piece of citrus fruit into top of said bottles) in the assistance to the downfall of civilised man. A frosty glass is the answer for lager, because you can always wipe the moisture from your hands on the tail of your shirt, or upon the silk kerchief in your breast pocket. Unless, of course, you bought the poxy shirt in the Moss Bros sale.

Techno-Babble

Fri, 16 Jun 2006 10:06:48 +0100

.......and that's another thing. As Matt Simpson, who is our technical guru, webmaster and all round good egg ( note to pedants: Yes, I know an egg is ovoid......get out more.) was putting together our new RANTS page, I noted that we now have a blog. What the hell is a blog ? Where did this neanderthal grunt of a word come from ? Is this 'blog' in fact the internet equivalent of talk-back radio ? Don't get me started on phone-ins.......nitwits with nothing better to do than read and listen to the cheap sensationalist headlines of the shyster media, and then regurgitate these ill-written, half-witted, bigoted headlines, as 'informed opinion'. And that's just the presenters. At least they're being paid to act the simpleton advocate.....what excuse has Sam Suburban for phoning these snake-oil salesmen ? His excuse is that he's a self-important twerp with too much time on his hands, and he believes he matters. Probably a Parish Councillor as well. We'll discuss the title of this rant on another occasion. Right now, I shall wipe the spittle from my chin, and go for a lie-down.

The Movie: 'CARS' - a four wheeled turkey.........

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 19:52:45 +0100

At Drivepast, we've only seen the trailers for the Disney-Pixar movie CARS , but as we watched, we were aware of an increasing turbine-like noise, combined with giggling. My friends, that was STEVE McQUEEN spinning in his grave, and occasionally giving vent to the mirth he feels at his chum, and motor-racing legend, PAUL NEWMAN , getting himself hitched to this four-wheeled turkey. We've previously loved Disney, adored Pixar, and of course we're all nuts about the automobile, but combine all three; call the wheeled hero Lightning McQueen, and we appear to have a super-cutesy, utterly soulless, grimly PC offering, which you should avoid, as you would avoid sex with close relatives, and animals other than sheep. We will of course martyr ourselves for you and watch the full thing at the first opportunity, reporting back with the open-mindedness and fairness you would expect from Truly Grumpy Old Men. In the meantime we'll let you see some of the international release posters that we will resolutely NOT be stocking.